Why I love Tuesday

* I wrote this last week before we lost our internet connection for the week.  Thought I would post it now.

It was a normal Tuesday night.  After work I went and picked up Alivia (9) and Sarah (7) for kids club at church.  Of course they had not learned their memory verse and wanted to work on it in the car.  Nothing out of the ordinary, just our usual Tuesday routine.  Alivia read the verse a couple of times and remembered it as she does every week but Sarah struggles more to remember.  Often she gets frustrated.  Often as she is struggling I remind her that she does not have to get every word and just needs the big ones, the general meaning, to get credit.  Last night she was determined to get every word.  She wanted to say it over and over and over.  And I didn't stop her.  There were no reminders from me that she didn't need every word.  Because with all my heart this is one verse that I want to stick deep in their souls.  I want them to remember this one for the long haul.  Please Lord, let this verse bury itself deep into their hearts and never leave.  Use these words in powerful ways.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not depend on your own understanding. 

Seek His will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Proverbs 3:4-5



Oh that this verse would become such a part of us that we could do no less but to wholeheartedly follow it.  I want these words to sink down into my soul, way down deep into the core of my being.  Let me live these words, Lord.  Let me live them with every breath I take.  Help me to use these words and be an example of them to everyone around.  Allow these girls to see this verse brought to life in me, Lord.  Grab ahold of them and never let them go.  I pray that they will follow your paths, Lord, wherever they lead and I pray that I will be there following right alongside them. 

Sloshing buckets

This weekend is our church retreat and we are doing a video series by James MacDonald called Lord, Change My Attitude. In one analogy James compares us to buckets. When you bump a bucket you often can see what it is full of because some of it spills over. The same way with us when we get "bumped" in life whatever we are truly full of will come spilling out. When something hard happens, what is our reaction? Do we react in anger or with grace, fear or with trust. That is when the world around us has the opportunity to see the real us. Do we really believe all that we say we do? Do we react in a way that is honoring to God? Or do react in anger? Whatever is truly inside us will come spilling out whether we want it to or not. The real us will shine through.

I really started to think about what spills out when I get bumped. And, honestly, it is not always what I would like it to be. Sometimes it is. Sometimes I succeed in letting God have enough control in my life and receiving His grace and letting it fill my life enough that I can thank Him even in the hard things and react in grace. Actually, I tend to deal best with the really hard things of life. I tend to rely on Him for those things and trust Him wholeheartedly and at times I do it well enough for others to see Him working in my life. It is where I allow Him control because I know I can't do it alone.

But what about with the everyday struggles and annoyances in life? Can I say the same thing about what spills out with those bumps? I don't think I can because unfortunately it is not always love and grace. Probably not even mostly. It is those little things in life that I struggle the most to react to the way that I should. In my heart I want to always flow with love and grace but in my humanness I do not always succeed. Because I don't always rely on God. I think I can do the little things myself. I tell God "don't worry, I've got this on my own. I don't need you for this." But in reality I do! I always need God because without Him I'm just a mess. I can't do anything right without Him because He is what's right. It is so easy for me to rely on Him for the big things, the hard circumstances in life because I know without a doubt that I can't do those on my own. But with the small things, the everyday, I sometimes forget that I need Him too. My flesh wants to think that I can do something right on my own even though I know in my heart that I can't. And the only thing that happens is that I fail. On a regular basis. And as a result people don't see Jesus in me nearly as much as I want them to. Because that is all that I want to spill out of my bucket when bumped. Nothing but Jesus and love and grace. I will have to keep working on that in all of life, but most especially in the smaller things. What about you? What do you want people to see when you are "bumped"?

Lord, Please Help Me to See

One of my favorite places on earth during my favorite season.  Crunchy leaves underfoot.  Changing colors of the sky and the trees reflecting off the water.  He is in this place.  I have always felt Him here, in nature.  But lately I have felt Him more, stronger, here and everywhere.  I seek to find Him more.

There are two prayers that have been repeating themselves over and over in my life for a while now.  "First, Lord, help me to love people more, better.  Help me to see them as you see them.  To see what lies under the surface, the broken places within.  Help me to love them despite what the world thinks, despite what I in my own human brokenness think.  Help me to love them like you love them, Lord. And above all Lord help me to seek you in everything I do.  Help me to follow you always and everywhere.  Help me to feel and see you here in this big, beautiful, broken world.  Allow me to find you more."

 

And He has answered my prayers.  He always answers these prayers.  Often in bigger ways than I had imagined.  I have changed.  A lot.  God has changed me and allowed me to grow so much over the past few years that some days I am not sure I even recognize myself.  And I'm glad.  So very glad.  Because, honestly, I don't like me much.  And me without Him?  Well that's just plain ugly. I am so thankful that He is a God that answers prayers.  That He is a God who meets us where we are, wherever that is, and helps us to see.  He gives us the only sight that we ever really need, the ability to see Him.  And as long as we keep our eyes there, keep them locked onto Him, we can see.  He gives us sight to see glimpses of what He sees in the world and in the people around us.  I pray I never lose that sight!  I want to see Lord, help me to see.  Never let me turn a blind eye again.  Help me to love.  Always. 

Traditions

I love traditions.  Growing up in my family there were a lot of times of change.  That also meant that traditions often changed.  As a result there are few traditions that I can remember as being an always, never changing do it every year tradition.  The one that most comes to mind for me is Christmas pajamas.  We always got to open one gift on Christmas Eve and that gift was always new pajamas.  Which of course always meant a posed picture in front of the tree that never turned out well no matter how many times we tried (and often ended up with fighting, yelling and/or crying).  Oh the memories.

 So then why do I love traditions?  Because to me a tradition is a constant.  Something that you can count on no matter what in a world that is forever changing.  They are something to look forward to.  And they are comfortable like your favorite old pair of jeans.  Traditions can be the best of life with those who are most important in your life.  And now I love starting traditions and what I love even more is that the ones I started them with love them as much as I do.  These two would never in a million years let me forget one of our traditions, sometimes even ones they have made up themselves.  Our first tradition came when Alivia was just 2 years old.  Every year we make a gingerbread house.  After the first year Alivia wouldn't make one with anyone else because she knew she would do one with me.  Now it is three of them and I usually enlist some help but I love this tradition and look forward to it every year.




This weekend was full of some of our other traditions.  Every year we go and the girls pick out as many pumpkins as they can convince me to buy with begging, pleading and looking as cute as they can possibly make themselves look.  Lets just say they usually end up with more than they can carry.  We have tried some different things to decorate the pumpkins but usually we just paint them.  Over the years the girls have added some things to our fall tradition.  Now we have to make sugar cookie cutouts and decorate them with about 6 tons of sprinkles and most recently they added decorating by coloring every inch of the 2 sets of sliding doors in the front of my house with window markers.







I love these traditions and wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm thankful that the girls want to do these things with me year after year and hope that never changes.  Nothing fills my heart more than spending time with these guys and I can't wait to see how they grow up.

Forgetting to be Thankful

 It's been far too long since I've blogged and lately I've been feeling like I need to just start writing again.  It has been a hard summer in a lot of ways.  Things happened that could have broken me if I had let them.  Hard, hard things that left me struggling to remember the one thing that most makes this life bearable. The only thing that will keep you in a life filled with joy.  To be intentionally filled with gratitude to God for all he has given us now.  Remembering always that all of life is a grace filled gift from above and, as a result, living a life of thankfulness.  I have been finding it too easy to forget at times to be thankful for what I have, what is given to me everyday, and instead I have spent more time than I should focused on what I don't have, what I want or what I think I should happen in this life.  I forget that nothing I think matters. 

God never promised us easy or even that He would always give us what we want or think we need.  All He promised was that if we follow Him, unconditionally, that it would all be worth it.  I believe that it is all worth it.  No matter how hard it is or how much circumstances in this broken world threaten to break me.  If I am following Jesus, wherever He leads, it is all ok.  And I am grateful for all of it.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I am so thankful that He chooses to allow me to be a part of ANYTHING He does!  I don't deserve it.  I am absolutely imperfect and undeserving of any of it.  I don't deserve the many blessings in my life.  I don't deserve the honor of bearing the burdens He has placed on me.  I don't deserve the many opportunities He gives me to get things right that I keep getting wrong so many times over and over again.  I don't deserve the chance to be a part of the lives of the people that mean so much to me. I don't deserve the moments of grace He puts in my life every day, the people that have been there for me unexpectedly and who have been just the very grace I have needed to get me through.  And most of all I don't deserve to be saved but by His grace I am! By His grace this pain filled life is just a stop on the road, an eventual blip on the map that will be over in a blink of an eye and all I want is to be a good and faithful servant, to remember grace and be thankful for all I have been given - big and small.  Because even though I don't deserve His grace, He gives it freely and if we just stop long enough to see, it is enough.

I am choosing to allow whatever He gives to be enough.  I am choosing to be thankful once again for the little things in life, for everything in life.  For a weekend of fun and a chance to spend time with and love 3 very special little girls.  For the 2 boys He has brought into my household and a chance to be a much bigger part of their lives than I ever would have been before.  For just enough money to get the bills paid and to keep a roof over our heads.  For family, no matter how crazy they are or make me.  For great and caring coworkers.  For a church family and a place to freely worship.  For the chance to teach young children about God and to show them His love.  And most of all I am thankful that He loves even me and that His love is so great that I want nothing more than to pass it on. 

Beyond

Beyond the pain and the tears, beyond the anger and the fear there is joy. Joy that comes from loving these smiling faces much more than I even love myself. I would give anything for these faces right up to my very own life. I love them like they are my own, even though in reality they are not. For God has not seen fit to make them mine. Some of them live lives in houses that are at times hell on earth. They live with people who are supposed to be their safe place but instead they tear them down and show them the underbelly of life on this earth. I take great joy in pouring everything I can into their little lives. Showing them Jesus and the way to live a life that is not centered on this earth and all of it's entrapments. A life that does not revolve around substances that drown out the negative voices in ones own head and help them push down their own despair. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I want to rebel and say "No God I just can't do it anymore!". One smile, one hug, one glimpse of the foothold Jesus is getting in their little lives is enough. Enough for me to see beyond myself, beyond the pain and into the love and grace of Him- the only thing that counts.

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Living the good life

I had an amazing weekend.  Something happened that has not happened in a very long time.  I was home alone. For several hours. Two days in a row.  It was so nice!  I spent some time reading on the deck with the dogs on Saturday afternoon.  And on Sunday......I took an afternoon nap!  Talk about luxury.

Sunday was such an awesome day.  It is amazing how energizing it can be to be in a room filled with people truly worshipping the Lord.  I felt Him moving so much Sunday morning.  I had goose bumps all up and down my arms and tears in my eyes during a couple of praise songs.  It was a great feeling! 

The high from the weekend has continued through the week.  We got the privilege of having some friends over Monday night.  I love watching 4 adorable boys play and interact with each other, even if sometimes that interaction is figuring out new ways to torture your younger brother.  It was such a beautiful night we were able to sit out on the deck until dark for the first time this spring. 

Then Tuesday brought some more possible new beginnings and answers to prayer.  I am certainly keeping my fingers crossed at least.  God is so good and so faithful.  I am ready for whatever new beginnings (or old ones) He has for me right now.  It is exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time!  But oh so worth it in the end.